fucking assholes with their guns and their, the way they think they own me because they don't and goddamn it if i'm going to let them rule my life for one more second even though he is my father, don't i owe him that much, don't i at least owe -- he was hurt, even lyle didn't look so smug but it's not like he'd be losing a sister not really because he'd still fuck me and he'd do anything for that corner office and goddamn daddy because he always fucking does this--

i can put the gun away in the drawer so tommy won't see it not like it will matter anyway, because even if he never finds its gunpowder smell in the carpets or fucking drapes bed sheets probably my fingers will always smell and it's loaded of course it's loaded because--

because why? they want me to kill him no that wouldn't make sense too obvious no style look at me in my fucking cable knit trying to be this woman who reads the new york times or watches home and garden network-- my fucking cable knit but at least it's silk and tommy's bound to find the fucking gun and he'll realize that i can't be this, i can't do this, that this isn't me in my mother's house with my art and the studio he uncovered and

well they'll kill him, that's it, and they want me to protect him--

no, god, they want me to protect myself fucking twisted fucking game making me into, putting me on the chessboard or--

not daddy not-- raines, lyle, the tower, can't leave know too much, always one of us, they'd fucking kill me, torture me, he'd let brigitte torture me before they'd ever let me go i was so stupid, so stupid to think--

my mother, i'm turning into my mother, and it's not just that i look like her, but i'm gonna, i could use the gun on myself maybe i could just pull the trigger and no one would have to know no one--

tommy, at the backdoor the locks turning, the drawer the drawer he's coming, look normal smile, don't let him suspect that you're, that you--

he's smiling he's smiling, can't do this anymore, can't do it, can't-- his eyes make it hurt because, he smells like aftershave and i hate that it makes me think, that there could be a future but there's a gun and i want to tell him that they left it but he didn't tell me about the check and he just wants to protect me and fuck--

hold back the morning, sleep a thousand years or not sleep at all, watch him sleep, talk to him forever, make him remember that i was a woman and that i couldn't stop it that i'm the smallest little piece and that there's so much more--

they're going to kill him, they're going to--

fuck i just, i just can't--