I'm in a hospital bed. How did this happen? Not the hole in my ribcage, I know how that happened. The hole in my world. I've been on the Hellmouth a long time, been in the hellhole of high school a long time. Iıve never been hurt before. Not really. Being beautiful, rich, smart (but never a brain), and popular has its advantages. I've been insulated from all the pain and horror around me. I've been in bad juju with Little Miss Likes-to-Fight plenty of times. But it never touched me. Not till now. I was so careful to make sure he knew I was the one with the power. That I was the queen bee, and he was the drone whose adoration I deigned to accept. But somehow... somehow I ended up the one with the broken heart. I know he's been here and tried to visit. I know he's sorry. I remember him jumping down into that hole with me, holding my hand. I remember his face, even pastier than usual. I guess he looked sad. Like he was in pain. But he hurt me. He hurt me.

How did this happen?

I never knew I could lose before.

I can hear someone coming down the hall. It's probably him. Someone is watching me. Usually that's my favorite feeling. Right now itıs not so swell. I hear him knock.

"Can I come in?" I don't answer him. He comes in and I can smell that he's brought me flowers.

He sets something on my tray. "Those are flowers."

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

I hate that I want to see him. I hate that I can't stop myself from looking at him.

Who said he could sit down?

"Cordy, I want you to know that I..."

He wants? *He* wants?

I interrupt him. "Xander?" My voice sounds weak. I hate that.

"Yeah."

"Stay away from me."

I can't look at him anymore. I turn away.

It takes a minute, but he leaves. Thank God. The last thing I could bear is for him to see that my eyes are filling up with tears. I didn't cry when I lost homecoming queen. I didn't cry when I was impaled on a piece of rebar. I can't believe I'm crying now because some loser I never cared about kissed some other loser. When he should have been thinking about how much he'd miss me after Spike sucked him dry like a loser-flavored Slurpee.

Okay, I'm lying. I cared. I just didn't know how much till now.

I didn't mean to love him. I certainly didn't want to. No car, no money, psycho parents, loser friends, and worst of all, wretched taste in clothes. I don't know why I love him. There are some things... the way he looked at me. The way he kissed. The loyalty I thought was unshakeable. Apparently it shook.

I don't know how it happened.

I can lose.

I can lose.